Saturday, February 27, 2010

Daddy on the Edge of "Partners" in Crime

Here's my question; do I pay for this guys hair product?

I mean, he's gotta be using product, right? I'll admit, I'm envious - Daddy used to have hair like that. Okay, full disclosure - it never looked that good. My mane always looked more like Joey Ramone's than Eric Cantor's. I don't know what it is; I just can't take my eyes off it. The man works the volumizer like Deney Terrio.

On a completely unrelated subject, did I pay for this guys tanning spray? I know, I's the age old debate - booth or spray? While it may be booth, I would have to lean toward spray only because it just looks soooo fake. An older gentleman that I know used to color his hair a shade of red that, while it looked all right, didn't by any stretch of the imagination look natural. That's kinda the way I feel about John Boehner's tan.

It was here that I was going to get to the original point of this post; how, more than likely, the American Taxpayer did indeed pay for Cantor's hair gel and Boehner's fake tan as well as a whole shopping list of other items that "regular folk" just pay for out of their own pockets, as the guys and gals on the Hill should.

That was where I was going, but my research sent me in another direction. I will return to the subject of criminal congressional spending in the future, but for the remainder of this post, I need to focus on something that I just found...interesting.

Didya ever notice how these two fellas are practically inseparable?

I mean seriously - they are together all the time!




Not that I'm throwing stones, mind you. I mean, I too have been guilty of workplace romances. You're together all the time, you certainly share common interests ("Oh yes, when Eric and I aren't busy subverting the Obama agenda, we like to weekend on the Cape, do a little antiquing and shut down a homeless shelter or two; it's the little things that bring you closer together as a couple."); it's to be expected.

But gentlemen; you can't let your relationship detract from your work.

At the Health Care Summit, it seemed to me that John Boehner looked uncomfortable, and he really wasn't making eye contact with anyone.

His gaze kept wandering across the where Eric Cantor was sitting!

They weren't sitting next to each other! And it just felt all wrong!

I was gonna really run with this angle. I was going to compare them to these guys.
and really, can you blame me? Fake tans, big hair; hell, all that's missing is the tiger.

But then I got to thinking, who the hell is Daddy to ridicule true love? Two soulmates found each other through the ultimate bizzarre situation (because seriously - to me, the idea of finding your gay lover in the Republican Congress is like finding Dog the Bounty Hunter at auditions for "Gypsy") - what gives me the right to hate on 'em for that?

And honestly , if I take away all the animosity and hatred I feel for these two for being the kind of politicians that give politicians a bad name, well...they actually do make an attractive couple. Look at this picture and tell me these two don't love each other.

You can't, can you? Because it's so obvious. So, I'll say it here right now; John, Eric, in the interest of bi-partisanship (and bi-sexuality as well, I guess - both you guys are married, right?)
I'd like to wish you the best of luck together.

It's not every day that an Orange Man and someone with John Travolta's hairstyle from "Saturday Night Fever" can find each other and make it work the way you two have.

Here's to you, guys!
The Leader and the Whip -
Perfect Together.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Daddy on the Edge of the End of the Frigging World

Did the title of this post get your attention? That's what it was supposed to do. Is it accurate? Doesn't matter - it got your attention, hopefully scared you a bit, and if I followed it up with simple solutions to stop the impending "End of the Frigging World", you might listen and implement a few of them. Then, even if it hadn't really been "The End of the Frigging World", you will still think that it could have been, had you not stood up and done your part to stop it. You're a God damned hero - pat yourself on the back.

You have to admit, "The End of the Frigging World" grabs you a hell of a lot more than "global warming". Global Warming - that sounds...almost comfortable, like snuggling up in a big, planet sized blanket with a crackling yule log in the fireplace. It doesn't sound scary, and that's the problem. Al Gore is a great mind, a great orator, and a great humanitarian - but he reallly dropped the ball in the marketing department.

Sometimes, you have to take a page from the Republicans, who are the de facto champions of fear mongering. Take for example, the estate tax. The Federal estate tax is imposed "on the transfer of the taxable estate of every decedent who is a citizen or resident of the United States." As the size of the estate gets larger, the taxes do start to add up, but an "estate tax" is hardly something that will make people quake in their boots. But, a "DEATH TAX!" - well now, that'll getcha nervous, now won't it? Sure, because what's the implication here - that the Federal Government is going to tax you, in essence charge you, for the privilege of dying? Of course, they're not going to do that per se, but some people will think that, and that's what matters in marketing - perception.

They do it all the time. "End of life counseling" - where a doctor talks over your hospitalized loved ones final wishes with you so you're all on the same page as to treatment - yeah, that's a "DEATH PANEL" now. The Republicans are pretty easy; basically just put the word "death" in there and they're halfway home. I'm surprised they've decided to call President Obama a socialist, when DEATH DEMOCRAT seems like such a gimme. Again, is it accurate? While the sane answer is, "no, of course not. President Obama's existence is not causing my death", it still leaves the door open in that it's sooo general. There are so many ways that someone could be causing your demise, can you be absolutely certain that the Death Democrats aren't indeed plotting your very destruction? Did you see what I did there? Now, it's not just Obama -it's the whole Death Demoncrat Party - it's Pelosi, it's Biden, it's Reid..(did you see...yeah, I thought so).

So why, why did we get saddled with a term so milquetoast as "Global Warming"? It's not scary, and, in our generally over-simplistic understanding of things, it's not accurate. We've had about a bazillion inches of snow in my area in the last couple of days, more than I can ever remember in a single storm. Why? Global Warming.

Insert laughter and confused looks here - "Um....Daddy? Doesn't Global Warming cold? Shouldn't it snow less if the globe is warmer? (more laughter) Dumb Ass Demoncrat."

See? It doesn't work. So, late in the game, we tried to re-brand global warming as "Climate Change". Better; it's more general which, as we pointed out earlier, opens the door to the possibilities. Still though, people expect climate change. You could say that climate change is what gives us seasons. Global warming naysayers say that the climate change that we've had in the last thirty five years is completely natural. And again, "Change" just isn't scary enough. People voted for "Change", for crying out loud - it was a good thing. This is what the marketing world calls a mixed message. It's ineffective.

You need something big. Something catchy. And, most importantly, something scary. Because this is scary. Polar Caps are melting, water levels are rising, hotter summers, colder winters, increases in the amount and severity of hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes - it's real, and it can be pretty damned terrifying if you let it be. So, here's my suggestion. Drop "Global Warming" - it wasn't doing you any favors. You can still use Climate Change if you must, but only as part of an explanation for what we are currently facing, which is;

See how we got "death" there? Gingrich would be proud. So, we've got scary - WORLD DEATH is definitely scary. We've got general - again, so many things can cause death - too hot, too cold - could be dying either way, right? And finally, although it's not clearly stated, we have a sense of urgency, a sense of immediacy. Death comes to us all, often suddenly, without warning and almost always sooner than expected.

It's good politically, too. Show of hands - who's in favor of WORLD DEATH?? Not even Eric Cantor is stupid enough to raise his hand on that one. Who wants to stop WORLD DEATH? Um...anyone who wants to be re-elected, that's who! Who do we have to kill to do it?!? one. What country do we have to invade to stop WORLD DEATH?!? Um...we don't have to invade anyone. Will we be greeted as liberators with candy and flowers?!? guys are really hung up on that whole image, aren't you? Iraq was an invasion, not a Prom date. Get over it.

So, what must we do to stop WORLD DEATH and be planetary heroes???

Here's the part that's just hard to make sexy, and ideally the solution should be sexy. I'll do my best;

Replace your light bulbs with CFL bulbs.
Plant more trees.
Eat less fast food (forests are cleared so that our big Mac can chew it's cud.)
Consider tankless water heaters, geothermal home heating and cooling systems, and residential solar panels for your home.
Drive a fuel efficient car.
Ask your government representatives why there aren't American made solar panels on every government building in the US.
Ask again.
Ask again.

Ask your government representatives why the US is not leading the way in solar, wind turbine, hydro-electric and smart building technologies, as all of these initiatives would not only help save the environment (and stop WORLD DEATH!), but would also mean thousands of new jobs, a revival of US exports, and a new and improved infrastructure and economy for the US.

You know the problem with the Grand Old Party? The "Old" part. These guys don't want change; all change will do is screw up their retirement funds. Well, I'm sorry, but I can't stand idly by and watch World Death overtake the planet just because some old politician doesn't want to rock the boat. Change is necessary. In nature, the rule is adapt or die. We can adapt. We must adapt. We can beat World Death.

And we can be God damned heroes.

Daddy on the Edge of Getting Biblical

Oh, California. Land of raisins and Chardonnay, live studio audiences and Sea World, Tales of the City and the Streets of San Francisco -

and beauty queens that just don't know when to shut the hell up.

If you are unaware of what I am referring to, then please let me give you the skinny. First, the Miss America pageant introduced us to a lovely little firecracker named Carrie Prejean. Simply the epitome of Miss California; blonde hair, blue eyes, toned and tanned and rockin' the bikini the way Cheryl Ladd used to when her poster hung on my tweenage wall.

But then she opened her mouth. Pretty mouth, pretty teeth...but the nonsense that spilled forth only made us long for that other pageant chick/rocket scientist who blathered on about maps.

Carrie was asked about same sex marriage during the 2009 Miss USA pageant. She was asked by pageant judge Perez Hilton whether she believed every US State should legalize same-sex marriage. She responded,

Well I think it's great that Americans are able to choose one way or the other. We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage. And, you know what, in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman, no offense to anybody out there. But that’s how I was raised and I believe that it should be between a man and a woman.

She didn't win.

I know - shocker, right?? I mean, not as much of a shock to me as the fact (???) that "we live in a land where you can choose same sex marriage or opposite marriage" - holy crap, when did that happen? Oh, wait - I get it - she didn't mean that they were equal, or that they carried all of the same rights and benefits - she just meant that you could choose! Hmmm...decisions, I choose the marriage that's recognized anywhere on the planet, or the one that's recognized in...what is it now, 4 states? Until they change their minds, right? Yeah...choice is alive and well, chica.

But that's yesterday's news. Today's news is that apparently, being stupid and hateful is a new pageant category (between talent and swimsuit I think). Here's our next contestant!

(Editorial Note: Okay, I just had to share this. I couldn't remember this next girls name, so I googled "dumb beauty queen" and bam! There she is! Gotta love my Google.)

Meet Lauren Ashley, Miss Beverly Hills! Okay, she's not Miss Beverly Hills anymore. Beverly Hills doesn't want her to be Miss Beverly Hills. Beverly Hills never asked her to be Miss Beverly Hills. She just...picked it. Which apparently, in Pageant Land, you can do - as long as you stick a "USA" on the end. I think for the rest of this post, Daddy will be "Miss Gotham City, USA".

Lauren, when asked about her views on gay marriage, had this to say on the subject;

“I feel like God himself created mankind and he loves everyone, and he has the best for everyone. If he says that having sex with someone of your same gender is going to bring death upon you, that’s a pretty stern warning, and he knows more than we do about life.”

So, like - Dad loves all of us kids the same, y'know?
Cause like, he's sooo totally cool and he like totally wants
the best for all of us....except for you, Billy.
Yeah...Dad's like gonna totally cut off your head
with a rusty sawz-all. I guess somebody shouldn't have
played "five minutes in the closet" with Jimmy Stillman.
But, you know what they say -
Daddy knows best!

You can hardly fault her for being hateful, because the quote just sounds so...ditzy. I mean, c'mon - "I feel like God Himself created Mankind". As opposed to what - like He farmed out the work? Like God created the Heavens and the Earth...and on the fourth day God's friend Larry swung by and knocked out the whole mankind project. Yes Lauren, God Himself created mankind - He's basically the only one for the job.

"He has the best for everyone". Well...yes. You'll get no argument from me there, 'cause I learned the song;

"Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world,
red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in his sight,
Jesus loves the little children of the world!"

Hey, y'know what? I sang that out loud just now and I just don't feel that pissed at you anymore, Lauren the beauty queen! I can hardly remember what I was peeved about! Let's just look at that last little bit you had to say - "If He says that having sex with someone of your same gender is going to bring death upon you, that's a pretty stern warning, and He knows more than we do about life."

Damn. That just sucked the Kumbaya right out of me.

Okay, little girl - let's get Biblical.

Y'know, Daddy is an ordained Minister. Daddy's Daddy studied to be a Minister, Daddy's Mommy was a missionary, Daddy's cousin is a Reverend, and Daddy's wife is descended from the 12 Tribes - so I know a thing or two about religion. And let me say this about that; you cannot, and should not, cherry pick the bible. The bible is not an ala carte menu - you cannot have "Do unto others" without "It is easier to pass a camel through a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven". But those references are from the New Testament (or as my wife would say to me, "Your book".) The reference that you reference is from the Old Testament. I know this because the Old Testament is like a Quentin Tarantino movie - everybody dies in the OT! They laid down a lot of these rules in the book of Exodus - right after we got the Ten Commandments, we got the basics - if you beat a guy so bad that he dies, you die. If you beat the crap out of your parents, you die. If you kidnap a guy, you die. Makes sense, right?

But then things started getting extreme; if you curse your parents, you die. But if you beat your servant with a rod so bad that he dies, you shall surely be punished (notice you didn't die from that - weird, huh?) If an ox gores a man, the ox dies, but the owner of the ox gets off. However, if the ox has a prior record of goring folks, and the owner didn't send him to rehab or put up an ox fence or something, and the ox kills again, then the ox gets stoned and the owner gets put to death. Folks, I gotta tell you, there must have been some real problems with the legal jurisprudence of Oxen, because there are like seven verses in Exodus alone that specifically deal with "ox law".

In Deuteronomy, if you're rebellious to your parents, you die. If you're a practicing magician, you die. If you were supposed to be a virgin on your wedding night, and you weren't really so much of a virgin on your wedding win the Miss America pageant! No, silly - you die!

I could go on, and on....and on. Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy laid out Law and Order - OT style, and the punishment for a whole host of things was death. Seriously, with all the stoning and killing and ox goring, it's a miracle anyone lived long enough to greet Jesus when he finally came to town. Oh, and that's another thing that the selective reading Christian often forgets - when Jesus came, his ministry caused many changes in the old law; his existence made much of the old law obsolete as he fulfilled it. And, it's always important to recall that Jesus was very big on love and acceptance; not smiting and killing. Christ was the Tony Robbins of his time, because he was all about self improvement. He didn't say, "Go getteth up in thine people's faces and tell them what they're doing wrong". He said instead, "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." He didn't say, "Do unto others, then tell them I said it was okay." He said instead, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". A friend of mine said today that "he really hates being told he is damned to hell first thing in the morning". Can you think about how that feels, Miss Beverly Hills nee Pasadena and all the other pageant gals that think this might be a good torch to carry? Nobody wants to hear crap like that, even if you realllly think it's true. At least not before coffee.

I was going to try coming up with a pithy quote to wrap this up, but it's late. Here's a nice one from Elisabeth Kubler-Ross;

"People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within."

Lighten up, ladies,

Daddy (The reigning Miss Gotham City, USA)

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Daddy on the Edge of Health

Okay, first thing - an apology. I had fully intended to post more content on this blog than I have been recently, but it's not my fault. It seems that, in addition to my recent heart adventure, I've also been suffering from a little known disease called "Blog Avoidance Hyperplasia" or BAH! It's a condition where you really want to post a blog entry, and you start to research and write, and then either you lose steam, or it's not coming out as perfectly as you may have liked, or you're late for work, or the Tasmanian Curling Team has just taken to the ice and, well - how the heck could you miss that?? In any case, BAH! can hit anyone, at anytime and the worst part is - now that I've shared this information in an open forum, my insurance company can now look at it as a pre-existing condition.

And that's what Daddy is here to rant about today. It's snowing like a maniac outside, so I'm stuck at home and I've chosen to watch the Health Care Summit on CSPAN. It's pretty funny - they're all there under the guise of wanting to work together, and I think that some on both sides of the aisle are definitely there for that reason, but most of them are just there to call the other side stupid again, and tell them why their plan is wrong...again. We're at the point where both sides are saying, "You can't make up your own facts", which would lead you to believe that both sides think their facts are the right facts - which leads me to ask, How can we even have two sets of facts?? This is why I'm seriously considering changing my party affiliation to Independent.

They could actually use an Independent at these proceedings (I understand why they don't have one there - Independents are in short supply on the Hill, which means that, if you want one in the room, it's probably gonna be Lieberman, and who wants that guy around?). The reason being that, with all this party bantering back and forth, the few real, salient points that they are uncovering often get lost, whereas an Independent thinker like me is busily scribbling them down. These guys are a lightning rod for ideas - they just don't know it, and that's the truly sad thing about our leadership. For Example:

First! Eat It.

Food. What? You didn't hear them talking about food? I did, but I was admittedly reading between the lines. They're talking about who's going to pay for the sick people - no big surprise that no one is running over to pick up that tab. I choose to look at it this way - if people feel better, they won't need to see the doctor as often, and we won't need to come up with as much money. Simplistic? Yeah, of course. Occam's Razor, baby. So, back to the food.

We pay corporations to poison and kill us. That sure seems like a waste of money, doesn't it? I'd much prefer spending that money on a big screen, but no; the government (and we) have decided that paying them millions to poison and kill us is a great way to spend money. Here's what I mean:

Years ago, Monsanto created a cancer drug. It doesn't stop cancer; it gives you cancer. As a result, American milk is banned in Europe.

Why is American Milk Banned in Europe?

  • American dairy milk is genetically-modified unless it’s labeled “NO rBGH”
  • Genetically-engineered bovine growth hormone (rBGH) in milk increases cancer risks.

American dairy farmers inject rBGH to dairy cows to increase milk production.

European nations and Canada have banned rBGH to protect citizens from IGF-1 hazards.

Monsanto Co., the manufacturer of rBGH, has influenced U. S. product safety laws permitting the sale of unlabeled rBGH milk. (Monsanto would lose billions of dollars if rBGH were banned in America.)

Q. Is there any milk not contaminated with rBGH and IGF-1?
A. Yes. Milk that is clearly labeled “NO rBGH” is free of rBGH and does not contain excess levels of IGF-1.

Q. What about cheeses?
A. American-made cheeses are contaminated with rBGH and excess levels of IGF-1 unless they’re labeled “NO rBGH”. Imported European cheeses are safe since Europe has banned rBGH.

We gave Monsanto over $3 million in tax credits in 2009 for - wait for it....research and development. Who paid for Monsanto to figure out new ways to give us cancer? We Did!

It needs to stop. Take back the tax credits until Monsanto goes back to making milk the old fashioned way. In the meantime, Organic milk is better for you and you can often find it locally, which is better for the planet and better for the local farmers.

Next! Children of the Corn

High Fructose Corn Syrup is in everything. This is because it's as sweet as sugar, yet much cheaper. It's cheaper because we subsidize corn farmers. High Fructose Corn Syrup also contributes to obesity, diabetes and hypertension. But that's not all - check this out -

"While the commercials claim that it's fine in moderation, the truth is that the whole problem with high fructose corn syrup in the first place, is that moderation is seemingly impossible. The syrup interferes with the body's metabolism so that a person can't stop eating. It's truly hard to control cravings because high fructose corn syrup slows down the secretion of leptin in the body. Leptin is a crucial hormone in the body that tells you that you're full and to stop eating. That's why it's so closely associated with obesity in this country. It's like an addictive drug.

It's like crack. So, in essence, we're subsidizing crack dealers. Yeah...gotta stop that, too. Here's a couple of fun maps for you. The first two show obesity levels in America - 25 years ago to 2008 - check it;

From The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention - 2008 - During the past 20 years there has been a dramatic increase in obesity in the United States. In 2008, only one state (Colorado) had a prevalence of obesity less than 20%. Thirty-two states had a prevalence equal to or greater than 25%; six of these states (Alabama, Mississippi, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Tennessee, and West Virginia ) had a prevalence of obesity equal to or greater than 30%.

County-Specific Diabetes and Obesity Prevalence, 2007

Wide sections of the Southeast, Appalachia, and some tribal lands in the West and Northern Plains have the nation's highest rates of obesity and diabetes. In many counties in those regions, rates of diagnosed diabetes exceed 10 percent and obesity prevalence is more than 30 percent.

Eighty-one percent of counties in the Appalachian region that includes Kentucky, Tennessee, and West Virginia have high rates of diabetes and obesity. So do three-quarters of counties in the southern region that includes Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Mississippi, and South Carolina.

The estimates, in this week’s Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, are the first to provide county-level snapshots of obesity across the United States. They also update diabetes county-level estimates released in 2008. The first map is Obesity; the second is Diabetes.

Just a side note after looking at these maps - what the heck is up with the Southeast? I mean seriously - if it's an environmental thing, then let's figure out what it is and fix it. If it's just about diet and exercise, then dude - take a walk every once in a while...away from the Krispy Kreme's.

I've got a lot more to say in upcoming posts. I love when these spoiled rich kids squeam that they just don't have any money to help out the rest of the American people, when the amount of cash they waste in a year could finance the colonization of Mars. I'll be talking about my money saving ideas in the weeks to come, but first;

Finally! Everybody in the Pool!

"The more people in the pool, the cheaper it is for everybody."

"The Insurance company doesn't have pre-existing conditions for us because we're a big group."

There was a lot of talk today about small businesses forming pools for insurance. The reasoning is that the bigger your pool, the better your bargaining power. Many of the politicians on my TV today raved about their pool. They love their pool, and they think it would be a great idea if we went and got our own pools, too!

Nah. I paid for your pool, Politician Man - and I wanna swim in it.

The bigger the pool, the better the pricing? Fine - let us all - every damned American Citizen, in your pool. Right now, the Federal Employee Health Benefits Program covers 8 million persons in total. Think of the price reductions if we all came in. Noted economists say this is the way to go, and I couldn't agree more. If it's good enough for you, then it's good enough for us. Because (and this is important) you, my political dunderheads, are not any better than us. Stop thinking that you are.

Wishing you all the best of health,