Monday, June 3, 2013

Daddy on the Edge of Another Banana in the Big Gay Hate Sundae

Look, Mom!  A pandering idiot!  Let's see what he has to say!!


The asshat in the ironic "gay equality" tie (look at it again - red background, pink equal sign - what's that they say?  "Man dresses himself, and God laughs") is former evangelical pastor and conservative activist David Barton.  Daddy has got a real fucking problem with David Barton - not because he founded WallBuilders, a Texas based organization which promotes the view that it is a "myth" that the US Constitution insists on separation of church and state. Not because he is the former vice chair of the Republican Party of Texas.  Not because he has been described as a Christian nationalist and "one of the foremost Christian revisionist historians" who's work is devoted to advancing the idea, based upon research that many historians describe as flawed, that the United States was founded as an explicitly Christian nation. Not even because his buddy, Glenn Beck - referred to him as "the Library of Congress in shoes".

Whatever the hell that means.

None of that is why I have a fucking problem with David Barton.  It's not even because he's trying to get people to hate on gays.  Don't get me wrong - hating on the LGBT is a surefire way to get on Daddy's Shit List, but this douche is just the cherry on top of the GOP Gay Hate Sundae.  Honestly, after a while, you start to wonder if any of them have original thought, or if they all memorized the same script and improv is forbidden - it reminds me of children's auditions in the 80's - "If one more kid comes in here and sings "Tomorrow", I'm gonna set my eyes on fire..."

But that's Part One of the Republican Playbook - say the same stupid ass thing as all the rest of the GOP - if we all say the same stupid thing, it echoes and reverbs and echoes again and of course it has to be true because we're all saying it and the echoing and the and it's just gotta be TRUE!

Part Two of the Republican Playbook consists of taking a veritable smorgasbord of  truly idiotic statements and stacking them neatly, precisely until they form a seemingly impenetrable Jenga style tower of Batshit Crazy.

And then they throw God into it.

And that is why Daddy has a real fucking problem with David Barton, because David dipshit Barton did all three...David Barton went for the GOP Trifecta, the Holy Trinity of Holy Shit, and decided to just let a wad of silliness and foolishness roll out of his wordhole, and it was just too much for Daddy to bear.

Let us dissect the STOOPID, shall we?  Here's how he started...

"Starbucks is pouring all this money into destroying traditional marriage..."

Okay.  Starbucks may be donating money to efforts that support and defend the rights of the LGBT community to marry, but that does not "destroy traditional marriage".  Gays have no interest in destroying traditional marriage - in fact, in most weddings, you can be pretty sure that gays were involved in one or more of the following - designing the wedding dress, designing the tux, doing the hair and makeup, catering the event, planning the event, providing the flowers, providing the music, taking the pictures - face it dude, at the end of the day, gays don't destroy traditional marriage - they keep it alive.

Can a Christian give money to a group that he knows will use it to attack what God supports? much stupid here, I don't know where to start.  Christ supports Peace; can a Christian give money to companies that support war and war profiteering ?  Christ supports caring for the poor; can a Christian give money to companies like Walmart that keep their national employees poor enough to require food stamps, and let their international employees (who were making slave wages) perish in a substandard building collapse?  Christ said to give away everything and follow Him, so I guess the real question is, can a Christian keep any money at all?

God supports Love.  God supports Forgiveness.  God supports Peace.  Starbucks is not attacking any of that.

"If you know that, when you buy a cup of Starbucks, five, ten, fifteen cents is going to be used to defeat marriage, can you do that?  Answer is no..."

When my wife and I got married, after we had our first dance, do you know what we did?  We went to the wedding reception across the hall and beat the holy living bejeesus out of their marriage!!!  Defeated the Crap out of it!!  Yeah!  Sweep the leg, Johnny!!  Cuz that's what marriage is!  It's frigging Thunderdome!  Two Marriages Enter - One Marriage Leaves!!!!!  THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

David, David, David...marriage is not a welter weight boxing match (sorry Rhianna baby, it's really not).  It is not something that takes place in finite space, where there is only room for one to survive.  Nothing that anyone ever does will in any way threaten, cheapen or otherwise lessen the marriage that I have with my wife.  If your marriage isn't that strong, then that is just your fucking problem, idn't it?

"Biblically, there's no way a Christian can help support what is attacking God..."

In Christianity, God is the eternal being that created and preserves the world.  He is all powerful, all knowing, He is every where, He is every thing; there is nothing in all of all there is that is mightier, more divine, more completely and utterly awesome than God.

And I attacked him.  With a Mocha Frappuccino.

What the hell was I thinking?  God could totally kick my ass!  Sounds ludicrous, right?  Almost as ludicrous as God concerning himself with the passing of currency for the purchase of java, with a bit of that spare change going to lawyers who fight for fairness.

I could go on and on about the douchiness factor of David Barton, and the pathetic pandering that he engages in to remain minutely relevant and religiously provocative, or I could thank him for reminding me of why I admire Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz as much as I do.  Howard Schultz isn't waving a Bible in the air, and calling you a heathen if you don't wave yours too.  No; Howard Schultz is openly supporting diversity in his company and the right of his employees to have the same rights as David Barton.  Can you see what he's doing here, David?  It's this thing called doing unto others as you would have them do unto you, with a side order of judging not lest you yourself be judged, followed with a nice slice of loving your neighbor as you love yourself.

And ya know what's great to wash that all down with, David?  A nice, hot cup of Pike Place.

Next cup is on me, 



  1. Whew! Preach it, brother! Your blogs are always enjoyable and thought provoking, but you've hit the bullseye with this one. Bang. On.

  2. Thank you, Suzanne! And thanks for always being such a great supporter of the blog! Next time we're in Starbucks together, coffee is on me. :)